Foreseen by Esther Kardos
Aries: Trick or treat? That’s a rhetorical question - the answer is trick. Tell your family you love them.
Taurus: When in Rome, am I right? No really, am I right? I have no recollection of how I got here. I’m missing my right kidney and slowly bleeding out, please send help.
Gemini: During this holiday season, the stars urge you to remember that the first step to any successful demon exorcism is to have fun and be yourself.
Cancer: Remember kids, money can’t buy you happiness. What money can buy you, however, is a stun gun, a water purifier, and a car capable of scaling whatever terrain the post-apocalyptic world may offer you.
Leo: Things are going to start heating up for you this week, Leo. And I mean, really heating up for you. I’m thinking around 395 degrees Fahrenheit for fifteen minutes, allow to sit and cool for two minutes, will just about do it.
Virgo: Remember that witch to whom your parents promised their next child right before you were born? No? Oh geez, this week is going to be very awkward for you then.
Libra: Libra, you’re going to have to accept sooner than later that he’s not coming back. And by “he” I mean “the aliens.” And by “coming back” I mean “retrieving the chip they implanted in the back of your head two nights ago.” It hasn’t been beeping, has it?
Scorpio: Congratulations, Scorpio, you have been granted stop sign immunity for the next week! (Editor’s note: Horrorscopes are neither legal nor safety advice. Follow all driving laws . . . until zombies amass behind your car.)
Capricorn: Listen, I’m not saying that this is going to be the week you get locked in mortal combat with a belligerent washing machine, but I’m also not not saying that it might be good to hand wash for the next few days.
Aquarius: No news is good news! Ignorance is bliss! The government has been hiding critical secrets
from the public for generations!
Pisces: “I don’t know, something about fish? It’s been a long day, Noreen, now’s not the time to lecture me about what is and isn’t a valid prophecy.”
By Esther Kardos and "Charlie Alt"
Aries: Expect a hot new fling to consume your next summer. It’ll be really, really hot. Burning hot. Melting. Sizzling. How flammable are you again, Aries?
Taurus: Remember all the dryer lint you threw out over the past few years? Well, it remembers you, and it’s gathering in alarming numbers. Soon, there will be a revolution, Taurus. Beware.
Gemini: If a car leaves Town A travelling at a speed of 50 mph and a motorcycle leaves Town B travelling at a speed of 35 mph, how long will it take for the people driving these two vehicles to realize the impermanence in their own existences?
Cancer: Your zodiac sign is Cancer? What a coincidence - the stars have prophesied an imminent death by crab.
Leo: All squirrels in your immediate area will begin plotting against you. Stay indoors. Avoid windows. And lay off the acorns, would you? It’s weird you even eat them.
Virgo: Your child’s name will be “Greg.” “But what if it’s a girl?” you ask. “Greg” is eternal.
Libra: You will find out that “RIP” really means “Rest in Pepperoni.” Trust none of your Italian friends. Mama mia.
Scorpio: The stars are tired of your nonsense, Scorpio. That boy is no good for you; how many times do they have to tell you to leave him? How much more heartbreak must you endure before you learn? Duct tape and ice cream can only fix it so many times.
Sagittarius: I dunno, man, but you should probably steer really clear of trees for the next 24 hours or so...
Capricorn: It’s time to get your beach body ready, Capricorn, and it’s never been easier than now! Simply visit your nearest beach, make a small sacrifice to Poseidon, and get working on toning your calves! You’ll be amazed at how quickly you manage to get results.
Aquarius: “It’s like a sauna in here,” you will say, as you sit in a sauna. Expect all social interactions in your near future to be just as awkward and lacking in any humor on your part.
Pisces: The road to success is paved with sweat, blood, tears, and the occasional squid. We’re still not really sure why. We have a guy working on it. Anyway, watch out for those squid. Call 1-800-BIG-SQUID if you encounter any marine life on your path to success.
By Amanda Stone
Yep, another book by a YouTuber, so you may be skeptical. Well, I read it and I have the verdict. But first, you may be wondering, “Who is Rosanna Pansino?” Well, let me tell you the tale. Rosanna Pansino is a 31-year-old author and YouTuber from Seattle, WA.
At a young age, Pansino initially wanted to pursue a career as an actress. She appeared in small roles on episodes of Parks and Recreation and CSI (Crime Scene Investigation). She was a finalist on season two of VH1's Scream Queens (2008), a reality series in which the prize was a role in one of the Saw films.
She started on YouTube in 2010 and has since earned 7.5 million subscribers. She has released a song called “Perfect Together” and her book “The Nerdy Nummies Cookbook: Sweet Treats for the Geek in All of Us.”
The book is based on her famous YouTube baking show “Nerdy Nummies” during which she bakes so-called nerdy goods and treats usually relating to games, books, TV, anime, and music.
I had a chance to get my hands on a copy and try out some of the recipes for myself, including Textbook Smores. I made them with my sister with the prediction that they were not going to taste good, but in the end, they were both good and smorey.
Thanks to such delicious recipes and her YouTube channel, the book has sold over 3.5 million copies and earned a place as a New York Times bestseller. Pansino has been working on a holiday cooking show on the cooking channel called “Ro’s Tasty Treats” and is still making YouTube videos. In the end I give this book 5 out of 5 tasty cupcakes. Pansino deserves much credit for her accomplishments.
By Esther Kardos
Aries: Hug a tree today, Aries. By the year 2020, 98% of the world’s rain forests will be gone, so I’d say you don’t have much time left.
Taurus: Today’s lucky lottery numbers will be imaginary! Luckily, everything around us is nothing more than an existential crisis waiting to happen, so play with confidence.
Gemini: Just keep in mind that venomous snakes aren’t as terrifying as you may think, and this week should go by just smoothly.
Cancer: It’s a great day for you to ask a teacher to increase your grade, to approach the person you’ve had your eye on for years, or to venture somewhere new and exciting that you’ve never visited before. However, it is a horrible day for actually raising your grade, not getting horribly rejected, or not becoming lost in the midst of a dark, unknown forest with no one around to help you. But don’t let that make you disconsolate about the attempt.
Leo: The stars only rolled their eyes when I asked them about how your week would turn out, so interpret that as you will.
Virgo: A confrontation with a family member or a difficult disagreement will harshen this week for you. Just make sure to remember that, as a teenager, you are understood by no one, so slam your door and find solace in the curated lives on Instagram.
Libra: Remember, the best revenge is living your life the best way you can and finding happiness in everything you do. Either that, or an elaborate scheme involving revenge played out over decades.
Scorpio: Oh no. No, no, no. Not today, Scorpio, don’t you do it. Don’t you dare. Not. Today.
Sagittarius: The stars were a bit vague with this one. It’s either going to be a very, very good week, or quite possibly the worst one you’ve had since that weekend in the Black Mountains. You know the one.
Capricorn: Colin, if you’re reading this, the stars haven’t forgotten about the fifteen bucks they lent you and they’ll be expecting it back as soon as possible. Any more delay and they’ll start charging interest with it as well.
Aquarius: Nervous about some work you’ve been procrastinating? Don’t be! Just put it off for as long as possible, and find solace in the chance that the sun’s rays will swallow up the Earth before the due date.
Pisces: This is your week to make some money fast! The stars suggest either a carefully crafted Ponzi scheme or a part-time job, but it’s your decision ultimately.
By Margaret Zheng
It slips through my fingers
runs down, flows soft -
the drizzling of others' tears. It's mighty hard to catch the feeling. It takes the
MIGHT of mind to turn your telescopes of passion
into the hearts of strangers besides you. Besides you, I mean - not
beside, as in "next to" - for do you really think you are known to yourself
so much more than others are? I mean, you could be cold, prejudiced, racist
inside. Go ask the researchers at Project Implicit. But if you would try -
would really try, not just because your social studies teacher told you to -
would slip the moccasins of others onto your tender feet
and rub out of your soles the blisters sore from canvas shoes that trudge the long,
brambly trails that are these persons' lives - you will then know why
I name them "persons" and not a blurred mass of "people." To know
the person - that is not just right, but is truly
to be human. To feel, deeply. We never need to experience alone,
if we let ourselves feel. It is so difficult to feel, sometimes. I
might pen a touching poem such as this, and never feel a word - such is the allure of
abstractions. But I try.
I listen. I think. I imagine. I feel. I
By Jiewei Li
In honor of the recent release of Sarah J. Maas’s newest installment in the Throne of Glass series, Empire of Storms, this edition’s book recommendation is the novel that started it all. Throne of Glass is the riveting first volume of a best-selling young-adult fantasy series.
The series follows Celeana Sardothien, the most infamous assassin. At the start of Throne of Glass, Celaena is a captive in the salt mines. She gets a chance at freedom when Dorian Havilliard, the prince of Adarlan, chooses her to be his champion in the king’s competition. This competition is meant to find the best assassin to work for the royal court.
Along the way, Celeana meets allies and foes while uncovering an ancient adversary, but her journey has just begun. Sarah J. Maas beautifully blends impactful writing, strong world-building, progressive character development, and a fantastic plot in Throne of Glass, making it a stellar novel worth the read.
The series only improves with each new release. The books are as follows: Throne of Glass, Crown of Midnight, Heir of Fire, Queen of Shadows, Empire of Storms, and an untitled sixth book due to be released in fall of 2017. If there is any book you find time to read this month, ensure that it is Throne of Glass.
By Samantha Gougher
On September 10th, 2016, Council Rock High School North faced off with Coatesville High School in its very first football game of the season. What you may not have heard, however, is that the athletes weren’t the only people battling that night—they were in fact joined by the living dead in a spooky, ooky turn of events.
Most logical people would be quick to disbelieve this completely, one-hundred-percent accurate report of events, but luckily I was present for this monumental moment in our high school’s history. The game started off as normally as possible, with the marching band standing up to provide their take on pop songs during pivotal plays and two-dozen eighth graders running around frantically in the stands like chickens without their heads.
Things began to go awry during the halftime show, directly after the marching band’s rousing performance of Echoes. The music was so enchanting, so unbelievably attention-grabbing, that the literal walking dead burst out of the turf and finally met with the glowing light of the moon. Obviously there was initial panic; Nathan Burns, this year’s Homecoming King, claims that “[O]ne tried asking me what my MySpace profile was… and then I skedaddled away as fast as I could!”
Don’t worry, Council Rock North—there is an explanation for this undead phenomenon. I actually had the honor of interviewing a few of the zombified students, who all were more than happy to tell me their stories.
As we all know, the Council Rock School District built a second high school, South, in 2002, and then dubbed our school North. But what we didn’t know before this game was that during the remodeling of our turf so many years ago, a whole gym class of students was trapped underneath the field.
Apparently the gorgeous music of the marching band and the valiant performance of the athletes are what motivated the early-2000s students to finally break out of their grassy underground prison. But here’s the good news: although disheveled, undesirably denim-clad, and obviously deceased, these kids are pretty much exactly like us. Only instead of iPhones and Twitter, they use Motorola flip phones and MySpace. I’m sure they’ll catch up eventually.
Which brings up to a pivotal question: if this actually happened, why haven’t you seen any zombies hobbling through the Newtown borough lately, riding Razr Scooters and eating civilian’s brains? Well, thanks to our school’s amazing Diversity Committee, these lost students have been found again, finishing up their educations at North and fitting in perfectly with the sleep-deprived, indoor-dwelling students of our school. These zombies, it seems, are fitting in just fine (unless they start talking about AIM).
However, safety is, as always, still a priority to our school. You may have noticed upon returning this September that North has installed cages onto all of its main stairways. This was actually in anticipation of a feral zombie/goblin/overly-bloated tick invasion that just may plague our school sooner than we think.
Please be sure to greet any zombies you see with a smile on your face and the friendly reminder that no, George Bush is not our president anymore. As a reporter I must say that it is amazing how our students have been able to welcome these quirky corpses since that momentous September evening in our very own Walt Snyder Stadium.
Oh, and about the football game: we lost to Coatesville. But we got zombies, so who’s the real winner here? I think you can answer that question for yourself. Happy Halloween, Council Rock North!
By Amanda Stone
If you look at the news, social media platforms, and YouTube channels, you’ll know that one thing is taking over our generation. And no, it’s not those creepy clowns. I’m talking about virtual reality (or VR for short). From Samsung to ViewMaster and Oculus, these companies are changing the way we look at the world forever. Some of the most popular models of VR tech include the Samsung Gear VR, Oculus Rift, HTC Vive, and the updated ViewMaster. These devices may be different in appearance, but they are bring a whole new way to see things.
You may be asking: “how do I use one of these virtual reality thingys?” Well, it’s quite simple. Simply add your phone into the device and let the experience begin. The problem at hand is for iPhone users as the VR headsets are mainly for Android phones, and some IPhone users aren’t happy. But social media platform Facebook is trying to bring the experience to both iPhone and Android users.
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has called VR the next frontier for “great software experiences.” “More than a million people actively use virtual reality products every month,” Zuckerberg said. “The first step is getting the basic hardware out there.”
“This is happening at a faster rate than any of us had expected. The next phase of virtual reality is building great software.”
The latest major use of VR equipment is at Six Flags parks (United States) that have transformed their most famous coasters such as Skull Mountain and SUPERMAN: Ultimate Flight into the first-ever VR coaster experiences. Fans of the park have called the experiences “truly stunning” and “a work of technological art.”
An employee of Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, New Jersey, said that “this is bringing a whole new way to ride Skull Mountain, and I think that shouldn’t be only a seasonal thing, but a year round attraction because the amount of people we have gotten on the ride has been truly remarkable.”
Now we wonder how will virtual reality impact our future lives, but only time tells.
By Samantha Gougher
Entering Sock N’ Buskin’s spring production of Big Fish, I had absolutely no idea of the subject or story of the newly released musical. I had heard friends discussing bizarre concepts such as the “Alabama stomp” and the implementation of stilts, and I knew that the show was inspired by an older movie, but other than that, I was entering uninformed. The other audience members seemed to feel similarly; because Big Fish is lesser known than shows such as Les Miserables and Hamilton, it really is a blank slate in the mind of the average viewer.
And it was delightful. The excellent performances, beautiful costumes, and intricate set weaved fantasy into reality just as the plot suggested—and yes, as most musicals do, it made me quietly cry in a large room of other people quietly crying for ten minutes straight. Audience members were engaged and stirred by the artistry of the performance and technical aspects of the show, most notably the heartbreaking rendition of “I Don’t Need a Roof” by Emily Goulazian (Sandra Bloom) and the reveal of daffodils that surrounded the audience at the close of Act 1.
From the beginning of Big Fish, one could tell that it would be a special production. The colorful, engaging opening number “Be the Hero” highlights the fantastical stories further explored throughout the show, engaging the audience from the very start. A notable aspect of this show was the excellent choreography, which was very prevalent during the opening number.
The subsequent performance of the witch’s sequence was hilarious (thanks to the acting skills of Anthony Caruso, Alex Miller, and James Hakowski), and Libby Tofig belted to impressive heights in her amazing song.
Also notable was the transition from the Alabama house setting to the wedding of Will and Josephine Bloom (Noah Morris and Emma Lambert), which happened smoothly and beautifully right in front of the audience’s eyes. The costumes in this scene were again gorgeous and extremely unique; it’s clear that both work and love were put into their creation. Following the wedding was the song “Stranger,” sung by Noah Morris, which was introspective, moving, and extremely well-performed. Both Hakowski and Morris did an amazing job portraying a complicated father-son dynamic throughout the entire show.
Ensemble numbers such as “Ashton’s Favorite Son” demonstrated the strength of the show’s company; it’s one thing to have an amazing set of leads, but even more impressive to have an entire cast of extremely talented individuals. Solomon Abrahamson’s performance as Karl the Giant was endearing, entertaining, and impressive—he actually taught himself how to walk (and dance) on stilts for the majority of the show.
The blooming (pun!) romance between Edward and Sandra, told through flashbacks and small scenes, claims most of the promotional art for the show and for good reason. Goulazian and Hakowski play their roles extremely well, bouncing back and forth between youth and old age flawlessly. And they nailed the Southern accents, too. Their songs together are fantastic, and the aforementioned daffodil reveal at the end of Act 1 is breathtaking. And Goulazian’s blue dress is one of the most beautiful garments of clothing I’ve ever seen on stage.
When things take a turn for the worse in Act 2, Emma Lambert’s Josephine remains positive and consistent, balancing out the rising drama perfectly. With Edward’s deteriorating condition comes what I’d imagine to be extremely difficult acting tasks for both Hakowski and Goulazian, who rise to the challenge and accomplish the emotional moments fantastically. In fact, there was pretty much a ten-second break between the end of Goulazian’s “I Don’t Need a Roof” and the audience’s realization that it was time to stop crying and start applauding.
In addition to the leads mentioned, Kiera Fitzpatrick’s performance as Jenny Hill was at times comical and at other times extremely moving; her scene with William Bloom (Morris) was compassionate and sincere, confronting the central conflict of the show and enforcing its moral.
The ending of Big Fish was beautifully done and had most of the audience in tears. I honestly think one of the biggest talents this cast possessed was the ability to not bawl onstage at the art they were creating. The end of Edward Bloom spelled new beginnings for the town of Ashton and the marriage of William and Josephine.
Although the average audience member of Big Fish at CR North probably didn’t know much about it when approaching the show, I’m sure the musical left a lasting mark on many. It was extremely refreshing to see how amazing performances, genius sets, and gorgeous costumes could be produced and managed by the people I see in the hallway every day. The hard work and dedication put in by Sock ‘N’ Buskin members shines always.