By Esther Kardos
Aries: Hug a tree today, Aries. By the year 2020, 98% of the world’s rain forests will be gone, so I’d say you don’t have much time left.
Taurus: Today’s lucky lottery numbers will be imaginary! Luckily, everything around us is nothing more than an existential crisis waiting to happen, so play with confidence.
Gemini: Just keep in mind that venomous snakes aren’t as terrifying as you may think, and this week should go by just smoothly.
Cancer: It’s a great day for you to ask a teacher to increase your grade, to approach the person you’ve had your eye on for years, or to venture somewhere new and exciting that you’ve never visited before. However, it is a horrible day for actually raising your grade, not getting horribly rejected, or not becoming lost in the midst of a dark, unknown forest with no one around to help you. But don’t let that make you disconsolate about the attempt.
Leo: The stars only rolled their eyes when I asked them about how your week would turn out, so interpret that as you will.
Virgo: A confrontation with a family member or a difficult disagreement will harshen this week for you. Just make sure to remember that, as a teenager, you are understood by no one, so slam your door and find solace in the curated lives on Instagram.
Libra: Remember, the best revenge is living your life the best way you can and finding happiness in everything you do. Either that, or an elaborate scheme involving revenge played out over decades.
Scorpio: Oh no. No, no, no. Not today, Scorpio, don’t you do it. Don’t you dare. Not. Today.
Sagittarius: The stars were a bit vague with this one. It’s either going to be a very, very good week, or quite possibly the worst one you’ve had since that weekend in the Black Mountains. You know the one.
Capricorn: Colin, if you’re reading this, the stars haven’t forgotten about the fifteen bucks they lent you and they’ll be expecting it back as soon as possible. Any more delay and they’ll start charging interest with it as well.
Aquarius: Nervous about some work you’ve been procrastinating? Don’t be! Just put it off for as long as possible, and find solace in the chance that the sun’s rays will swallow up the Earth before the due date.
Pisces: This is your week to make some money fast! The stars suggest either a carefully crafted Ponzi scheme or a part-time job, but it’s your decision ultimately.