Foreseen by Esther Kardos
Aries: Trick or treat? That’s a rhetorical question - the answer is trick. Tell your family you love them.
Taurus: When in Rome, am I right? No really, am I right? I have no recollection of how I got here. I’m missing my right kidney and slowly bleeding out, please send help.
Gemini: During this holiday season, the stars urge you to remember that the first step to any successful demon exorcism is to have fun and be yourself.
Cancer: Remember kids, money can’t buy you happiness. What money can buy you, however, is a stun gun, a water purifier, and a car capable of scaling whatever terrain the post-apocalyptic world may offer you.
Leo: Things are going to start heating up for you this week, Leo. And I mean, really heating up for you. I’m thinking around 395 degrees Fahrenheit for fifteen minutes, allow to sit and cool for two minutes, will just about do it.
Virgo: Remember that witch to whom your parents promised their next child right before you were born? No? Oh geez, this week is going to be very awkward for you then.
Libra: Libra, you’re going to have to accept sooner than later that he’s not coming back. And by “he” I mean “the aliens.” And by “coming back” I mean “retrieving the chip they implanted in the back of your head two nights ago.” It hasn’t been beeping, has it?
Scorpio: Congratulations, Scorpio, you have been granted stop sign immunity for the next week! (Editor’s note: Horrorscopes are neither legal nor safety advice. Follow all driving laws . . . until zombies amass behind your car.)
Capricorn: Listen, I’m not saying that this is going to be the week you get locked in mortal combat with a belligerent washing machine, but I’m also not not saying that it might be good to hand wash for the next few days.
Aquarius: No news is good news! Ignorance is bliss! The government has been hiding critical secrets
from the public for generations!
Pisces: “I don’t know, something about fish? It’s been a long day, Noreen, now’s not the time to lecture me about what is and isn’t a valid prophecy.”