By Esther Kardos and "Charlie Alt"
Aries: Expect a hot new fling to consume your next summer. It’ll be really, really hot. Burning hot. Melting. Sizzling. How flammable are you again, Aries?
Taurus: Remember all the dryer lint you threw out over the past few years? Well, it remembers you, and it’s gathering in alarming numbers. Soon, there will be a revolution, Taurus. Beware.
Gemini: If a car leaves Town A travelling at a speed of 50 mph and a motorcycle leaves Town B travelling at a speed of 35 mph, how long will it take for the people driving these two vehicles to realize the impermanence in their own existences?
Cancer: Your zodiac sign is Cancer? What a coincidence - the stars have prophesied an imminent death by crab.
Leo: All squirrels in your immediate area will begin plotting against you. Stay indoors. Avoid windows. And lay off the acorns, would you? It’s weird you even eat them.
Virgo: Your child’s name will be “Greg.” “But what if it’s a girl?” you ask. “Greg” is eternal.
Libra: You will find out that “RIP” really means “Rest in Pepperoni.” Trust none of your Italian friends. Mama mia.
Scorpio: The stars are tired of your nonsense, Scorpio. That boy is no good for you; how many times do they have to tell you to leave him? How much more heartbreak must you endure before you learn? Duct tape and ice cream can only fix it so many times.
Sagittarius: I dunno, man, but you should probably steer really clear of trees for the next 24 hours or so...
Capricorn: It’s time to get your beach body ready, Capricorn, and it’s never been easier than now! Simply visit your nearest beach, make a small sacrifice to Poseidon, and get working on toning your calves! You’ll be amazed at how quickly you manage to get results.
Aquarius: “It’s like a sauna in here,” you will say, as you sit in a sauna. Expect all social interactions in your near future to be just as awkward and lacking in any humor on your part.
Pisces: The road to success is paved with sweat, blood, tears, and the occasional squid. We’re still not really sure why. We have a guy working on it. Anyway, watch out for those squid. Call 1-800-BIG-SQUID if you encounter any marine life on your path to success.